


Bloodstream

by A_space_gay



Category: Merlin (TV)
Genre: Angst, Arthur is being a dick, But plot, Damn, Emotional Hurt, Friends With Benefits, I like Gwen I apologize, I'm Sorry, It wasn't meant to be this angsty, Like the stupid gay nerds they are, M/M, Rambling, Sad, Seriously I just want to punch them both, Who can't just say their feelings, all - Freeform, as, but here we are, heck, these scenes dont make sense, they're both pieces of shit
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-23
Updated: 2018-03-23
Packaged: 2019-04-07 01:31:52
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,721
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14069991
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/A_space_gay/pseuds/A_space_gay
Summary: After the tragic death of Arthur's wife to be he retreats into himself leaving behind even those most dear, the only person he can seek comfort in is his simple manservant, Merlin. As their relationship grows Arthur isn't sure if he will ever be able to love again.





	Bloodstream

"Arthur..." The silence was deafening, not only was the distance between them too great to bear but space was everywhere, consuming. Arthur could see he had never looked more of a mess, his eyes had those heartbreaking red rims surrounding them showing just how much he had been crying, but it was unfair, they had all been crying after all. "Arthur," His voice was tender and full of an understanding that would never be spoken, "I know-" he choked on his words, the truth was too much for him to bear, "I know how much she meant to you... to everyone, I..." He trailed off to wipe away a tear with his sleeve. He stood before Arthur in a way he never had before; he was raw and uncovered, nothing of laughter or secrets, just Merlin. Arthur was different, he seemed to be surrounded by thousands of walls built from every tension and every lie possible, culminating around him an failing to fall. "Do not tell me what I feel Merlin, don't you even dare when you know  _nothing_  of love!" He spat at Merlin and Merlin felt himself crumble and falter that little bit more, "Don't hold a funeral, she- I'll deal with it." Merlin nodded knowing there was nothing more he could say, the formality seemed like such a stupid game to play when they were both so clearly not as the should be yet he couldn't see any way out. "Oh, and Merlin," He paused, "don't come back."

*

Unusually, Elyan was one of the few who seemed to be unable to tolerate the king's closure, of course, he would never say it to his face, but Merlin heard all of the whispered conversations and teary nights when they thought he was asleep. He could never be sure if Arthur knew, he knew Arthur pretended to sleep whenever Gwen was mentioned however he also knew that the king seemed to do nothing but sleep these days. 

The ground seemed bitterly cold and lifeless to Merlin as he lay, not that it wasn't always so but the lighter features of the world seemed to have dimmed ever since that day, the fire was no source of warmth or comfort to him and it crackles seemed all the more sinister. "He's just got to learn to carry on, we're all doing it, it's not like it's easy!" Elyan whispered in a harsh tone, Merlin thought they believed him to be asleep even though he knew it wouldn't matter anyway. "Not now, please Elyan," Gwain muttered sounding surprisingly as down as the rest of them, Merlin could just imagine the veil that would lay over his friend's eyes as he spoke. His words were followed by a sharp clang of metal on metal, at best guess Elyan had knocked something over in his anguish over the king and Merlin cursed to himself as he held back his emotional outburst as best as he could. "When will it be the time, you all protect him, she was my sister! Does he not think I am grieving? She would despise him for how he has treated his kingdom and himself!" His words were sure and fast as if he had practised them before, they made Merlin want to block out every sentence, to deafen himself and never have to hear again if that's what it took. "We are all frustrated Elyan, but the king grieves and we must-" Leon's kind words were cut short by Elyan's protest,

"this is no way to grieve."  
beat  
"He is just like his father."

The Knights jumped as a strong, sharp wind blew directly through them and into the trees behind, a noise which disguised the sob of anguish coming from the curled up servant who could not have cared less about his magic being found at that moment. He watched Arthur's body rise and fall rhythmically and as the tears silently slid down his face, he wondered... he wondered that maybe they were right, maybe he hated Arthur for what he was doing to all of them... maybe he hated himself for thinking it. As he rested, he could feel Arthur's sadness erupting from him like some kind of aura, everything was just that little bit colder.

*

The castle had suddenly turned from bustling happiness and busy joy to a slow and sombre pace, servants and knights alike stood and whispered in hushed voices, people flinched whenever the king walked into a room as though they were scared not of him but for him. Merlin knew it was wrong, this was not how Arthur's Camelot was meant to be! There was supposed to be light, happiness and, dare he say, magic! It was almost as though he had failed, it was his one job in life to keep Arthur safe and somehow he had let Arthur become his own destruction. The people began to fear him, they all missed her so much but that didn't hide Arthur's mood swings, his bitterness or his lack of care for anyone. It was as though Gwen had been the only thing making him a more positive person, Merlin mentally punched himself... For a while, he had dared to think it was his influence.

But even though Arthur was isolated and vicious, he was still so admirable. When he thought no one could see he would drop, he had a shattered look on his face, the sadness was captivating... Practically beautiful. Not that Merlin liked to admit it, Arthur had always been a prat, but he was beautiful. The way his emotions were shown so deeply in his eyes was a masterpiece, he missed that flicker of joy.

*

The first time Arthur let go was not a fond memory for Merlin, it was rough and harsh and broken but it was all he had.

Arthur lay sleeping (Merlin knew he was awake, he always did) as Merlin sat softly next to him on the bed. It was one of the few moments they had where Merlin felt close to Arthur, it wasn't ever fun in fact it was usually the most heart-wrenching moments of Merlin's day, but he longed for it all the same.

He ran his nimble fingers through Arthur's soft blond hair, he admired it like silk, the contrast between the two couldn't have been more obvious at that time yet somehow they were in synch. All was calm. "You don't deserve this, Arthur" Merlin began to whisper, "I know you hear how they talk, they don't mean it... You are strong." He paused in thought for a second, choosing his words carefully, "I believe in you." He felt the king sigh and lean backwards into his hand, although he knew that neither would ever admit to it, it was a tender moment. It was as though they were one and nothing was wrong, the beauty of such a simple feeling almost hurt. "it's not as though you aren't a complete dollophead, but I know you're a dollophead who will get through this."

They sat again, for hours it seemed though it may have been mere seconds, quietly enjoying the feeling of something so secure. Arthur hated to admit to it but he felt safe, and he knew that Merlin knew too, he needed something to stop him going insane. Of course, Merlin was the only person to trust him, to try and understand him... The confusion was slowly embedding itself inside; how could he hate Merlin for it one second and thank him the next (although the answer was simple, he refused to admit).

The warmth of Merlin's gentle touch was almost enough to ebb away the troubling thoughts, the truths about what he felt in that moment. Even now, Gwen was all that was on his mind, dark and dismal thoughts about life for him after her and how loveless he must be when he no longer had her as his guide in this world. This was his only escape, always Merlin was his only escape when he was half conscious from grief and could just lie back and pretend that everything really was going to be alright. It was Merlin, always Merlin who knew how to help him, if anyone else even tried to speak with him he knew he would become inconsolable... but not for him. His words were always as soft as his touch, he spoke with the knowledge of all they had experienced together and it was like sinking into a warm bath. He was ashamed, of course, he was, no king should have to turn to a male servant for comfort, it was a stupid charade but it meant something to him. If there was anything he could prove by this it was that he wasn't truly devastated by Gwen's death, and that was a guilt he could not handle.

That was the issue he fought that night as slowly his hatred for himself and his contentedness with Merlin overpowered his mind. At this point, he almost forgot Gwen altogether as he allowed himself to be comforted. He could no longer pretend he was hoping for it to be Gwen and it was as though his trust of Merlin was a naked flame that was threatening to burn them beyond repair.  He tried to focus on the warmth he felt, but the image of Merlin being the one to comfort him wouldn't go, he couldn't stand it. He was like a stab wound that just got deeper and deeper, his affection was an infection in his bloodstream. He twitched.

Finally, he jumped up, it was as though the thought of anyone but Gwen made him itch like mad. He looked into Merlin's shocked and hurt face as he moved, he was so erratic he couldn't stand it, the expression on his friends face twisted somewhere deep in his gut. Merlin's horror that he had failed at keeping him safe was so clearly apparent, along with his shame blossoming on his cheeks, a shame Arthur too shared. "What do you think you're doing!?" He yelled, trying so desperately to balance his flaming emotions as they raged inside of him, the desperation on Merlin's face said it all. 'Get over it' he forced himself to think, 'you're just a servant for God's sake'. Merlin breathed heavily, practically audibly, adding to the choking tension that was constantly between them, "Arthur... Please just don't." He whispered. he begged. Arthur felt just as he had done for the last few weeks, confused, hurt and full of anguish; it wasn't fair to take it out on Merlin but at the same time, it just wasn't fair at all. None of it made any sense and he cursed himself for being unable to enjoy one simple moment of happiness, this meant he cared, it meant he could live without Gwen even when he so desperately wanted not to. "Merlin do you have any idea?! Any idea at all what this means? I don't care what you think happened here but I swear to god you will never show your face in Camelot again if you think you can lecture me on love!" Arthur knew he was making no sense but it burned, Merlin scorched into his skin at every angle, it was suffocating... It was...  
"Oh, you'd be surprised.  _Sire_ "

It was then that Arthur felt himself break, Merlin's usual defiance, his spark was radiating through the room and it was contagious. He locked away his mind, his everything and lashed out in the only way he felt he could. He was primal, blind and violent, but most importantly he was kissing Merlin, he was kissing him hard.

Merlin gasped in shock, he wanted to go and run because it was all wrong. So so wrong. His moments with Arthur were meant to be meaningful and emotional. Not... This? This was not how he had wanted to feel Arthur's lips on his, they were messy and full of desperation to forget, forget him. He had cared for nothing but Arthur's well-being all his adult life and it was so... Wrong. He still wanted to move, to get away and make it stop but he couldn't, he could feel Arthur's anguish laced into his kiss and it was enough to make him push back. He wanted Arthur to feel, he wanted Arthur to reach out and so suddenly it became so much less about what he wanted.

The room was hot and sweaty and tense as Merlin lay there, he could feel every curve of Arthurs toned body moving against his. He could sense every hidden note of desperation in Arthur's moans, he wanted to feel him and to make him feel. He loved Arthur so deeply, he needed him more than anything else in his life and always would, no matter how that love was meant he would save him. The two barely acknowledged each other even at the most intimate moments, both were focussing on the feelings they his with raw passion. Merlin was a distraction and Arthur was a charity case even if there was something deeper inside.

The pain and the sloppiness of their first night was hopeless, every motion and every sound when Merlin had always imagined it to be careful, full of joy and togetherness was instead broken as a jagged edge. It wasn't as though he didn't have pleasure, if anything the feeling of orgasm as he wrapped himself around Arthur was more than anything he had ever known, but it wasn't good. He knew that it wasn't a one-off, he knew he was a scapegoat yet somehow his care for Arthur's wellbeing mixed with his need for Arthur's presence had kept him there that night. Every night following it would keep him there again.

*

Arthur never seemed to improve, he just seemed to be stagnant, the whole castle was stagnating. The knights seemed to fall with him, if that had not been the case then Merlin may have confided in Gwaine but even he was feeling the effects. His drinking was no longer for pleasure, half of his time was spent attempting to stop total anarchy among the others when Merlin could tell that even he was having trouble putting faith in Arthur. No one dared call Arthur out on his behaviour to his face, the risks were too great and were going to remain so, everything was a shadow of what it used to be.

Merlin even dared to ask Gaius if it could be magic on the off chance that there was still more to his destiny than giving himself up to Arthur. Of course, there was no chance, even Morgana didn't have the power to enchant a whole kingdom into a depression, to take the light from Camelot's eyes.

"I'm telling you, Merlin, as much as we wish it weren't so, Arthur's gone." Gwaine lay next to Merlin, the grass was cool and reminded them of better days, the blanket of stars above them promised a better day that was never to come. "I know he's in there... I can't give up on him Gwaine. I think that sometimes I can feel him wanting to reach out but he never can," Gwaine was silent for a second as he studied the stars; when he finally came to the decision to speak his voice was full of an understanding Merlin had never expected. "You've still got hope, Merlin, you're still trying whilst I'm wondering if I could live with myself if I ran away. There's so much good in you... don't let your love for Arthur destroy that. If you have to make a choice between happiness and Arthur just make sure you choose the right path, that's all I'm saying." There was a deathly silence where even the wind through the leaves seemed to pause, "thank you."

* 

It was one of those rare occasions when Arthur had let him stay, they never spoke- just listened to each other's heartbeats as they lay. It was almost happiness, Merlin would say, almost something worth fighting for even if Arthur didn't think so. "You love me, don't you Merlin?" Arthur asked from out of the silence, his voice was monotonous and blank but he gripped Merlin a bit tighter as he asked. Merlin thought about lying but he knew that Arthur was no fool, maybe it was his chance at finding happiness in Merlin after all.   
"yes."  
"You know I can't-"  
"Yes."

There was a pause.  
"Good."

They were lying.

Arthur knew he couldn't love Merlin, he was Merlin and nothing more. He was a simple servant with simple feelings as it now seemed, once a friend admittedly yes, and somehow wise beyond his years... he was good, he was good to Arthur. He couldn't love him. It was a matter of principle, he owed his everything to Gwen and to ever try to love another was useless, whatever  _this_  was, it was worthy of no more of his heart than anything else. He fell into a dreamless sleep taunted by brief thoughts of sunshine of her hair, the joy in her laugh, the gentleness of  _his_ touch.

Merlin knew Arthur didn't love him. However, he also knew that no matter how much he had squabbled and fought with Arthur in their time together he had always needed him and always would. He could pretend to not care that Arthur would never feel the same, he could also pretend that being around him didn't hurt more than any other experience of his life. He pretended everything was different for Arthur because that was how it needed to be and it seemed now that it always would.

*

"Merlin, you missed a spot," Arthur muttered from his chair as he stared blankly at his unyielding paperwork, content to ignore Merlin as it seemed. Merlin sighed to himself, although it pained him how Arthur was right, it almost felt like nothing had changed for a split second. He couldn't help but smile to himself as he moved to the remaining dust on the side of the table. He managed to not think about how Arthur could have known he'd missed a spot without looking up, without acknowledging Merlin as worth the effort. "You really are incompetent." Arthur sighed dramatically, a flutter hit Merlin heart where it shouldn't have, the saddening fact was that Arthur hadn't shown that much emotion in his voice since Gwen. "You can talk, I haven't seen you read a single word on that page!" He ejected in response, almost as though it was a natural reflex, after all this time he was amazed at how content he was to slip instantly into his old ways. Arthur smirked slightly as he realised Merlin was right, for a beautiful second he completely forgot anything had changed for him, a few words shared with Merlin suddenly eased a months pain.

"Was that a smile?" Merlin giggled, his eyes crinkling in the corners as they always did when he smiled, it was something Arthur hadn't even realised he had missed. "Merlin." He said, hoping it was enough to stop this from hurting, he knew this couldn't last, this brief return was all it could be. "Arthur... Come on it was!" Merlin responded with a giddy joy that had suddenly sprung as though it was waiting under the surface. He looked just as he used to when Arthur smiled at him, it was truthful, you could see from one smile how much Merlin values everything he sets his eyes upon. Especially him. Arthur stood up from his chair and looked into Merlin's crisp blue eyes with their dulled sparkle, and he kissed him. Gently this time, setting off an ache deep within both of them. "Leave me." Arthur whispered, resting his hand on Merlin's cheek and aligning their foreheads, he didn't want to move for the rest of his life.

Arthur's hands were calloused against the softness of his skin, yet somehow gentle, his words held a different type of sorrow. Arthur's grief had been so full of a red-hot anger before, but now it was deep and meaningful and from the very depths of his soul. The kiss had taken him by surprise although it was slow, he had never expected to feel care on Arthur's lips as he had in that moment. He didn't love him.

Merlin leant into Arthur's hand for a brief second, taking in his scent and the feeling as though they were truly naked for the first time. He savoured it all for a time when he wouldn't be hurt that Arthur could never find meaning in such an action.

*  
Merlin took time to wander the corridors at night, the castle had an energy that relaxed him to his core, it felt to him like freedom. The endless maze that it would seem to a stranger felt like a familiar friend now to him as he mapped it out perfectly. Never did he have to think as he moved, he could remember happier times, he could feel the age of the stone in his bones and it drew him closer.

It was a strange feeling of limbo being in this state, he felt neither here nor there, he didn't feel anywhere. The chill of these uninhabited corridors seeped into his bones and clung to him like a bad smell except he didn't mind, it was more of that feeling of reality. The grounding feeling of being so in the present yet nowhere was what he craved. Everything in his life had built up into one ball of repressed emotion and stress and anger and all of the horrid things that cured this castle like a plague but... Not here, here was safe.

The silence was kind, as was the dark. Nothing could mock his hope or silence the short moments of happiness he managed to grab. He thought; what if this was a sign that things could go back to how they were? what if this corridor would wake him up from this bad dream and everything was starting to be okay. What if was a deadly question he dared not answer.

*

Merlin was still unsure of his place in the king's world, before it all, he would have cracked jokes and offered wisdom without a second thought. Before they started laying with each other Merlin would have dared risk nothing but now? Now there were no rules for him to follow. "You smiled yesterday." He commented as he swept, Arthur lay in his bed for once not under the pretence of sleep. "What do you want Merlin?" He asked in response, his voice sharing no emotion other than exasperation.   
"Nothing," Merlin responded, it was true; Merlin wanted nothing from Arthur, he only wanted things for Arthur, he wished him happiness and love and life but to explain that would break the one unspoken boundary that remained clear. He wasn't sure he had the words anyway.

He continued his work in silence, it seemed Arthur had no aversion to that at all even if it was the same thing that happened every waking moment. Merlin had assumed Arthur was going to spend another day brooding and had no wish to disturb that, for himself more than for Arthur. "Merlin wait!" Arthur called sluggishly in his direction, not for any discernable reason other than to keep him close. Merlin found that he almost didn't have the energy to turn around, he seemed to be doing that an awful lot and just once it would be nice to not have to wait to be talked to. "Get up." He said without turning around, he wanted Arthur to do something, to show that there was something there to be worth encouraging. He was done playing the innocent devotee, Arthur was brave and strong and everything a king should be and it was somewhere deep inside. He begged it to be. "What?" Arthur fired back sharply as though somehow his pride had been hurt, his precious authority that kept him hurting everyone around him.   
"I said get up, I'm not turning around until you get out of that bed." He insisted even though it took all of his strength not to give in, Arthur was behaving like a child and if that's what it took then Merlin would treat him like one.

"You can't talk to me like that Merlin, I am your king. You have no Queen and you have no say in how I deal with that." The tone should have been conversation ending, anyone who didn't know Arthur would have run and apologized and cured silently in the hallway but Merlin knew he was more, he would be treated like more than some stranger who dusts the mantle. Merlin felt it rising in him, the pent-up emotions that come from wanting so much what you can't have, from wanting happiness and joy and Arthur. "Don't do this Arthur..." He whispered as he turned to face him, "I don't care Merlin! When will you get it into your thick skull that none of this matters anymore, save the lecture for once and stick to what you're good at." There was a silence, a cold dark silence in which Merlin tried so hard to be forgiving and understanding but it wasn't just him it was affecting, Arthur was ruining everything for the land of Albion and if he would refuse to see that then Merlin would make him.

"Arthur will you ever stop being so selfish, this is your kingdom, your duty! We all miss her but there is  _nothing_  you can do about that so just... just stop, stop all of this!" He cried out, exasperated, waving his arms at him in a way that he hoped in some conveyed his overwhelming sense of desperation. He could deal with Arthur not loving him, after all, he had never really felt he was owed anything more, but he couldn't live with this secret, this shameful secret, with Arthur simply refusing to care. "I have done nothing but my duty for Camelot, how  _dare_  you make this about us. You're just trying to find something that isn't there and you know it; if it bothers you so much then just go!"   
Merlin paused, he wanted to be taken aback, to cry and run into Arthur's arms but he couldn't, the fact that he expected nothing more, well it hurt. He was angry, of course, he was so angry with Arthur for ruining everything but he was mostly angry with him for ruining him. Yes, it was selfish but it was true that Arthur had shattered him in every way possible and left him to die without even knowing it. "Maybe if you could be bothered to open your heart to anything but grief and hatred I would be able to not make this about us, but everything is about us Arthur! When will you learn to stop being afraid..."  _afraid of me_ he thought but did not say. He allowed himself a moment of calm as he thought of Arthur's eyes warm and happy.

Arthur was hurt, the words rang true and he hated how Merlin knew him, he hated how Merlin was right, he just hated everything. Looking into Merlin's hopeful gaze, he sighed, "Merlin, we can never be more than servant and master, that's just the way things are and  will always be."  
"Gwen was a servant,"  
Arthur froze in silence.  
"You, are not Gwen." He said with a steely stare, looking past the beauty he had seen in his servant mere seconds ago and burning his frustration deep within him. Merlin looked as if he was going to cry but knew better, Arthur wouldn't let himself feel anything untoward for Merlin, he knew it was a mistake to let any of this continue. "I-" Merlin began to speak but closed his mouth again instantly, Arthur was unyielding, painfully so and so he took his leave, not daring to look back in case Arthur did too.

*

Arthur lay in his bed in the same position he had been in all day, the night gave him time to think freely and dream of her touch. It had been that way for a time now, he wasn't ashamed of his tears even if he was ashamed of himself for every action he had committed since. Tonight was especially shameful, he tried so hard to picture her fresh in his mind as she had been last he saw her but this time it was fading, try as he might he couldn't quite remember her smile anymore. It was eclipsed by momentary glimpses of Merlin next to him, his soft smile and the curves of his pale skin.

It was a painful experience to have to bear, he felt as though she was slipping away the more he craved Merlin. 'I'm sorry' he thought, clutching his knees to his chest for comfort, 'I'm sorry I can't be the man you loved. I want to be loyal Gwen I...' he shuddered as he held back tears, "I'm so sorry" he whispered as he allowed himself to fall into a sleep, a sleep once again haunted by Merlin's smile.

Merlin too had spent the night thinking of Arthur, although for him it was no new experience. Gaius had got far less interested in his life recently, he seemed to think his only purpose was to remind Merlin they would be weak to an attack. It was upsetting to think that a man he regarded as a father didn't value his attention anymore but it was hardly surprising, had he asked him anything he would have only talked about Arthur. Still, it was comforting to come home to a friendly, unconfused presence where they were content rather than in turmoil.

He drowned out the old man's snores with images of an old life where his thoughts of Arthur were pure and only for himself. Moments when he had saved his life and been saved in return, or something as simple as a comedic comment thrown across a room. He thought if the Arthur who was so close to returning and he smiled to himself.

*

Gwaine knew, of course he did, his mood had slowly risen too. There was a rising sense that something inside Arthur was letting go of the shame and returning and everyone seemed to be rising with it. "Come on Merlin, you've got to tell me!" Gwaine bugged Merlin with a harsh and semi-drunken whisper, "if we're all cursed to be miserable you might be the only fun thing happening!" Merlin smirked, "if only that were true, I'm just helping him get over Gwen, that's all." Gwaine nodded and took a deep drink from his drink but not before giving Merlin a knowing look, "I told you to be careful, don't blame me if it goes wrong." Although he wasn't as down as he had been there was still a solemn note to his voice that Merlin felt may never lift, "it's never gone right in the first place."

The two chattered and drank for most of that night, it wasn't a happy occasion per day but it was something. Merlin could see it when he looked at them all that they were changed but not gone forever, the spell of sadness was slowly being forgotten. The only thing still casting a shadow was Arthur and his ruling, or lack thereof.

"He'll come round, Merlin, he always does. If you trust him-" he paused to burp, an event which for a second showed the triviality of the whole thing, "I do!"   
"See that's the thing, I don't know if I trust him. You're right, I love him, he's my home... I don't know, I suppose I'm giving up on him." Gwaine looked at him and knew exactly what he meant,   he listened contently to Merlin speak; "I don't know how to love him Gwaine, I've never had the chance to stick with anything for so long. It's just everywhere and I'm sick of it, I breathe in and I smell him on me and I can't bring myself to regret it... It's me that's causing this really. He's distressed because of me being there. I don't know what to do anymore, the silence is everywhere." If it had been anyone else Merlin would have regretted what he said but Gwaine made it seem so normal, even if he didn't have the answers. He sat to think, looking at the table before taking one final drink and turning to face Merlin. "I kissed Percival once... That was awkward!" Merlin laughed lightly so the corners of his eyes creased gently, he was ever thankful for Gwaine and the sense of hope he gave him.

*

He tried to resist but the look of love and lust in Arthurs' eyes seemed so genuine. Yet again he fell heart first into the royal bed and felt his body move as one against Arthur's, the pleasure overriding all of his worries about them. He listened carefully to all of the beautiful things Arthur said in the heat of the moment that he surely wouldn't remember later as they meant more to him thank he cared to admit. For a second it seemed to him as though they shared one heartbeat, not only moving as one but existing in unison.

Arthur was passionate, leaving kisses all over his body like a map, kisses they both knew would later belong again to Gwen but it didn't matter. Merlin forgot how much he longed for Arthur, as he rolled his hips smoothly in a way Merlin only dreamed of. Bruises and bite marks littered them both but it didn't matter, they were a reminder that something more was at work even if neither of them understood. It was as strong as a fire, their two minds and everything they shared culminating into the heat of extasy. Once more Merlin collapsed into his lovers' arms, hoping for a few more moments away from the harsh reality of the new Arthur. And just this once he was granted his wish.

Merlin saw Arthur truly asleep, content in a way he hadn't seen him for the past months. He remembered Arthur's words, he knew it was not him who gave Arthur those few happy moments, it would never be him. However, he refused to let sadness envelop him and instead focussed on how peaceful Arthur looked, and how peaceful he would continue to look as Merlin left. He slipped out from under the covers, tiptoeing around to collect his clothes, it was strange how he had become used to being some kind of dirty little secret. He supposed it was what love did to you.

"Merlin?" Arthur mumbled sleepily, slowly raising his head and somehow, he still looked as at peace had he had before. "Where are you going you idiot," he giggled sleepily, god he was adorable, "come back, it's cold." It pained Merlin to see him like this even more than it did to see him in anguish, he was just Arthur, plain and simple untouched Arthur who in a few minutes would be so overcome with guilt that nothing could ever be the same again. Merlin wouldn't let that show, he would maintain his face for Arthur until the day he died. "I know when I'm not wanted Arthur, we both know it's best if I just leave," he smiled internally realising that he had never said anything like that to Arthur before. Usually, Arthur would have mocked him for his sudden understanding of social queues, but even now things still couldn't be that simple. Arthur sounded timid as he spoke, "Merlin... I know what I said but, well, you are wanted..." He smiled back with a pity smile, there was no happiness there for him as much as he loved to pretend, "Ar- Sire, I'm not her."  
He tried to hold back his sadness, this moment wasn't for his understanding, it was for Arthur's and even as Arthur looked at him as though he could want nothing more Merlin simply knew that wasn't ever going to be true.   
"Does it matter?" He asked, pleading Merlin, begging him with his eyes to not make him think about it, to let him pretend for once that he didn't hate himself for every longing thought about him. Merlin laughed an empty laugh as he turned the door handle, "of course it does."

"Merlin!" Arthur called, with no intention of revealing his true feelings, just hoping Merlin would do as he asked for once in his life, "you're an idiot..." Merlin smiled again, this smile wasn't as hollow or as empty, it showed that almost closeness they had before it all. "I know." And he left, Arthur stared at the spot where Merlin had been and as predicted his momentary happiness ebbed away leaving him with his pure conflicting emotions.

*

Arthur was in tears, he had gone so long without guilt and now he was overcome because the tears were for Merlin. He stiffed a sob and lay a jittering wreck, he wanted to still love her, he wanted nothing more but he knew his love alone could not bring her back. But he was here, he was living and willing and in love but he couldn't let himself care as much as he may want to. She was everything to him still, even as he thought if Merlin, even as he eclipsed his every thought he still couldn't allow himself happiness without her. She would want him to move on, he knew that, but how could he when everything smelt of her.

He still wept, conflicted with emotions in a powerful battle to the death. He slipped back into memories of her at her most pure where his torment couldn't twist her image, she cried for him in a sick twist of fate.

*

He stood, shirtless at his window, he had decided everything he wanted to say and instantly remembered he wasn't to love him. He had spent the morning reminding himself that it was lust, he wasn't Gwen and he wasn't allowed. Now he waited for a glimpse of Merlin to satisfy the monster inside.

Merlin was in the courtyard breathing in his last few breaths of Camelot air. That last night had proved to him that Arthur wasn't beyond help, but Merlin couldn't stay. He would forever remain unrequited in his love and he would never allow Arthur to repair, maybe this was his job in the world, his fate and his destiny. He tied his small amount of belongings together and packed them right onto his horse, he had already said a teary goodbye to Gaius but knew he couldn't face everyone. The sunrise was slowly fading into a beautiful morning and he glanced upwards to Arthur's window with a final look.

Arthur saw him, he stared back with all the emotion he could master but his legs refused to move. He could hear Gwen's voice calling for him to run, he could feel himself trying so desperately to move or cry or just do something! Their eyes locked but Arthur didn't move, his expression was blank and emotionless and completely untelling of the war raging beneath. In his mind, he was banging his fists against the window, screaming and shouting for him to stay one final night but it wasn't enough. How could he do something which meant he would be leaving her behind, he longed to throw himself into the servant's arms and thank him for everything forever. It was so final, such an admission of all he tried to hide that he couldn't.

Merlin's eyes dragged away from his with a knowing look, he said it was okay and he understood. Arthur turned his back on the view slowly and leant against his desk; he ignored the sound of hooves against cobbles. He held onto that last night so tightly in his mind before standing, fixing his posture and moving away. He was the king, he knew Merlin was right and he would never be enough, he didn't have time to be sad or regretful. It was only Merlin, after all.


End file.
